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Gemmills Goal
GET A LIFE!!! |
    
A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and
there were only 3 survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre..........
They manage to swim to a small island.......and they lived there for a couple of years............ doing what's natural for men and women to do.....
After several years of constant casual sex Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing.
She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while nature once more took its inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing.....................
So...........They buried her!
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I don't trust camels - or anyone else that can go a week without a drink.
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Total Posts: 959 | Joined Jan. 2002 | Posted on: 9:10 am on April 18, 2002 | IP
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Craigos
Opinionated Wind Bag |
A blonde bird is sick and tired of blonde jokes, so decides to show her husband that blondes are really clever.
She tells her husband of her idea, and tells him to expect a surprise when he returns from work that evening.
On his return, the husband walks in to the living room where he is greeted by a familiar smell - Paint.
His wife is sprawled on the floor of the freshly painted room in a pool of sweat wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat. The husband remarks that she has made a good job of the painting, and then asks why she is wearing a ski and a fur jacket. To which she replys, "It said on the paint can, for best results use two coats."
Boom, boom.
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We have beaten England! Lord Nelson, Lord Beaverbrook, Sir Winston Churchill, Sir Anthony Eden, Clement Attlee, Henry Cooper, Lady Diana, we have beaten them all! Maggie Thatcher, can you hear me? Maggie Thatcher, your boys took a hell of a beating.!" - Norwegian commentator after his country's defeat of England, 1981.
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Total Posts: 203 | Joined Mar. 2002 | Posted on: 9:55 am on April 18, 2002 | IP
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randers
GET A LIFE!!! |
GG - after two months they didn't like what they were doing to each other, so they dug her up again.
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dream on...
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Total Posts: 275 | Joined Feb. 2002 | Posted on: 1:03 pm on April 18, 2002 | IP
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macqueen
Opinionated Wind Bag |
a duck walks into a pub the barman asks him what he wants duck says any bread no replies barman again duck says any bread no says barman again duck says any bread barman getting tired shouts NO duck again asks any bread barman says if you say that again im going to nail your bill to the bar the duck then says any nails no says barman then duck says any bread pish i know
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BANNOCKBURN 1314
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Total Posts: 186 | Joined Nov. 2001 | Posted on: 7:24 pm on April 18, 2002 | IP
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Lost It
GET A LIFE!!! |
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
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Scotland First !!!Your'e a lang time deid!!
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Total Posts: 348 | Joined Mar. 2002 | Posted on: 8:27 pm on April 18, 2002 | IP
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Lurker
Fresh ideas |
A wee boy gets a job as an apprentice engineer for Datsun Cars (how old is this joke!). As his apprenticeship goes on he steadily becomes the best they’ve ever had so for his trademans piece he is set the task of designing and building a gear box. It is all coming together nicely but he discovers that none of the British factories have supplies of the one vital cog he needs to complete it. His manager decides as a reward he can fly to Japan to collect the cog himself.
After getting the cog he is flying back over the desert when two of the engines fall off the plane. It rapidly starts to lose height and the stewardessess are sent to instruct all the passengers to throw all the hand luggage out of the plane to lighten the load. The boy decides there’s no way he’s going to lose the cog and so hides it. Still the plane is going down and the next to go are all the seats, but still the plane is too heavy. At this the boy relents and throws the cog out the door.
Meanwhile, on the desert below, two arabs are riding their camels home when one turns to the other and says:
"Haw look up at the sky Abdul, it’s raining Datsun cogs"
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That man tae man the world o'er,
Shall brithers be for a' that.
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Total Posts: 25 | Joined April 2002 | Posted on: 8:51 pm on April 18, 2002 | IP
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danny divers
GET A LIFE!!! |
3 women 1 red head, 1 dark haired and 1 blonde arrested for drug smuggling in south america. they are all sentenced to death by firing squad. the red head goes up first and the officer shouts ready, aim, and the red head shouts hurricane, all the soldiers throw themselves to the ground and she makes good her escape, the dark haired one is up next and when the officer calls ready aim she shouts tornado when the soldiers again throw themselves to the ground she also makes good her escape. the blonde watching this thinks to herself that this is easy, so when she is called up the officer calls ready, aim and the blonde shouts out fire.
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AH WENT TAE THE FRIDGE FOR A CAN O EVAPORATED MILK, WHEN AH OPENED IT, IT WAS EMPTY. AWRABEST DANNY
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Total Posts: 325 | Joined Sep. 2001 | Posted on: 9:54 pm on April 18, 2002 | IP
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Fallons Brother
Fresh ideas |
> >TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY,
> >WHEN USING THE "F" WORD PROBABLY WAS APPROPRIATE.
> >
> >10. "Scattered f***ing showers, my ass!" - Noah,
> >4314 B.
> >
> >9. "How the f*** did you work that out?" -
> >Pythagorus, 12 B.C.
> >
> >8. "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" -
> >Michelangelo, 1566.
> >
> >7. "Where did all those f***ing Indians come
> >from?" - Custer, 1877.
> >
> >6. "It does so f***ing look like her!" -
> >Picasso, 1926.
> >
> >5. "Where the f*** are we?" - Amelia Earhart,
> >1937.
> >
> >4. "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." -
> >Einstein, 1938.
> >
> >3. "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of
> >Hiroshima, 1945.
> >
> >2. "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole
> >in the head!" -
> >J.F.Kennedy,1963.
> >
> >1. "Aw c'mon. Who the f*** is ever going to find
> >out?"- Bill Clinton,1997.
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The poster formerly known as Wee Mick and Fallon's Brother
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Total Posts: 25 | Joined May 2002 | Posted on: 1:20 pm on April 19, 2002 | IP
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Fallons Brother
Fresh ideas |
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval
ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October,
1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a
collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to
avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE
DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER- MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE
SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse... Your call!
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The poster formerly known as Wee Mick and Fallon's Brother
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Total Posts: 25 | Joined May 2002 | Posted on: 1:28 pm on April 19, 2002 | IP
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Lost It
GET A LIFE!!! |
Some useful phrases for those who are HK bound
English Chinese
Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table Ai Bang Mai Ni
Has your flight been delayed? Hao Long Wei Ting?
An unauthorized execution Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet Wai Yu Mun Ching?
He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka
I think you need a facelift Chin Tu Fat
I'm sure you'll go down well
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Total Posts: 348 | Joined Mar. 2002 | Posted on: 2:45 pm on April 19, 2002 | IP
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Lost It
GET A LIFE!!! |
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Scotsman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Scotsman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
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Scotland First !!!Your'e a lang time deid!!
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Total Posts: 348 | Joined Mar. 2002 | Posted on: 2:46 pm on April 19, 2002 | IP
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fringo
GET A LIFE!!! |
Tops tips for away games (apart from USA maybe ?!)
HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN 20 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES
1. English . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I Love You
2. Spanish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo
3. French . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Je T'aime
4. German . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . lch Liebe Dich
5. Japanese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ai Shite Imasu
6. Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ti Amo
7. Chinese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni
8. Swedish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jag Alskar
9. - 20. Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, West Virginia, Mississippi, Kentucky and Wyoming . . . . . . . . . . . . Nice T*ts
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“He’s not George Best... but, then again, no one is.”CLIVE TYLDESLEY, ITV
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Total Posts: 1108 | Joined Oct. 2001 | Posted on: 2:51 pm on April 19, 2002 | IP
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marco
Talks too much |
An angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
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"Football without fans is nothing"
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Total Posts: 102 | Joined Jan. 2002 | Posted on: 2:55 pm on April 19, 2002 | IP
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fringo
GET A LIFE!!! |
What's the difference between Bridget Jones knickers and David Beckhams football shirt?
Bridget Jones Knickers cover the whole tw*t !
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“He’s not George Best... but, then again, no one is.”CLIVE TYLDESLEY, ITV
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Total Posts: 1108 | Joined Oct. 2001 | Posted on: 3:06 pm on April 19, 2002 | IP
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Hue
Fresh ideas |
The British sense of humour can easily be demonstrated by looking at the
difference between the way both we and the Americans deal with Tourette's
Syndrome.
First take a look at the American site: http://www.tourettes.com/
The British seem to take a slightly different approach to tourettes:
http://www.tourettes.co.uk
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we will get there
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Total Posts: 19 | Joined April 2002 | Posted on: 3:20 pm on April 19, 2002 | IP
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Gemmills Goal
GET A LIFE!!! |
Randers - what a truly sick man you are. Congratulations!
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I don't trust camels - or anyone else that can go a week without a drink.
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Total Posts: 959 | Joined Jan. 2002 | Posted on: 3:50 pm on April 19, 2002 | IP
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fringo
GET A LIFE!!! |
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about famous English and Scottish cathedrals. So he bought a plane ticket and made the trip to London, thinking that he would work his way northwards. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "£10,000 per call".
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Salisbury. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in London
and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you", said the American.
He then traveled to Bath, Nottingham, Coventry and Manchester and in every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "£10,000 per call" sign under it.
With his first chapter going well, he left England and traveled north to Scotland, and again at his first stop at St.Giles Cathedral in Edinburgh, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10p per call."
The American was surprised so he asked the minister about the sign. "Vicar, I've travelled all over England, and I've seen this same golden telephone in many cathedrals and churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in all the cities in England the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
The minister smiled and answered, "You're in Scotland now my son, it's a Local call".
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“He’s not George Best... but, then again, no one is.”CLIVE TYLDESLEY, ITV
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Total Posts: 1108 | Joined Oct. 2001 | Posted on: 3:54 pm on April 19, 2002 | IP
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marco
Talks too much |
The following is supposedly a 'true' story:
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.
Unfortunately there was some sort of mixup at the boarding gate, and the man was told that he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain. Upon arrival at the hotel he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold.
The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off and quickly sent his wife an e-mail message, but due to his haste he made an error in the address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.
Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Only just now checked in.
Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought.
You're going to be surprised how hot it is down here.
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"Football without fans is nothing"
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Total Posts: 102 | Joined Jan. 2002 | Posted on: 4:03 pm on April 19, 2002 | IP
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Exiled Bud
Fresh ideas |
> Are you living too close to Glasgow?
Below are some tell-tale signs:
1. Your spouse has a poster of Andy Goram smiling as a
role model.
> > > > >
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the
dinner table in front of her kids.
> > > >
3. You've been married three times and still have the
same in-laws.
> > > > >
4. You think that a woman is "out of your league"
because she asks for a glass with her 'Tennents Super'.
> > > > >
5. The phrase, "Thunderbirds are go!", reminds you the
off license has just opened.
> > > > >
6. You wish your toilet at home could be as 'clean' as
the one in the bus station.
> > > >
7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying,
"Hey watch this."
> > > > >
8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
> > > > >
9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
> > > > >
10. Your school had a students' creche.
> > > > >
11. One, or more, of your kids was born on a pub pool table.
> > > > >
12. One, or more, of your kids was conceived on a pub pool table.
> > > > >
13. Your back door coal bunker is ideal for the
rottweiler to raise its pups.
> > > > >
14. The trade -in value of your transit goes up
and down, depending on how full the tank is.
> > > > >
15. You don't have to leave the house to put
rubbish in the wheelie bin.
> > > > >
16. You once lit a match in the bathroom and the
windows blew out.
> > > > >
17. You only need one more stamp on your card to
get a freebie at "Tam's Tattoos."
> > > > >
18. You can't get married to your childhood
sweetheart because of the current bestiality laws.
> > > > >
19. You think 'loading a dishwasher', means
getting your wife drunk.
> > > > >
20. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
> > >
> > > > > and finally...........
21. The soundtrack on your wedding video ends with
the loudhailer message:
"THIS IS THE POLICE................."
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Oh Baby, Let's Walk, Let's Talk, Under The Moon Of Love......
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Total Posts: 49 | Joined April 2002 | Posted on: 4:07 pm on April 19, 2002 | IP
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fringo
GET A LIFE!!! |
One misty Scottish morning an Englishman was driving through the hills to Inverness.
Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander stepped into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four and has the appearance of a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.
At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair... heart stopping. The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist
resembling a whole raw ham.
"Right, you Jimmy," he shouts. "Ah want you to masturbate."
"But......," stammers the driver.
"Du it now...or I'll bluddy kill yer!"
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside this doesn't take him long.
"Right!" snarls the highlander. "Du it again!"
"But.....," says the driver.
"Now!"
So the driver does it again.
"Right laddie, du it again," demands the highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent kn*b-ache, his sight is failing (as promised for years by his priest) and despite the cold wind has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.
"Du it again," says the highlander.
"I can't do it anymore - you'll just have to kill me," whimpers the man.
The highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside. "All right laddie," he says. "NOW you can give ma daughter a lift to Inverness."
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“He’s not George Best... but, then again, no one is.”CLIVE TYLDESLEY, ITV
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Total Posts: 1108 | Joined Oct. 2001 | Posted on: 4:11 pm on April 19, 2002 | IP
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Tartan Army Message Board
New joke thread
