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notalottodo
Something to say |
    
Agent: Adam Crozier, Secretary/Chairman of the English FA
Location: Enemy Base Camp, somewhere in the far East.
All going well. Of the original mission I have accomplished:-
1)Closure of Wembley - they are now homeless with no solution in
sight.
2)Loss of 2006 World Cup to Germany
3)Installation of foreign coach - was going to be Fergie but he
couldn't bring himself to do it even for a laugh. Sven agreed on
condition he was allowed to reclaim all blonde Swedish weather
forecasters from the barbarians. Agent Sven performing remarkably -
introducing long ball game just before World Cup. We should put them back
10 years by the end of Nigeria match.
4)Beckham fooled into thinking he had an injury - we got Fergie to
show him an x-ray swiped from Glasgow Southern General and told him it was
his foot and to stop training. This worked so well we used same x-ray for
Neville and Murphy.
5)Took under 21 team away from Peter Taylor who had them playing well
and gave it to Howard Wilkinson. That nearly compromised my cover as it was
too obvious, so hired next best thing - David Platt
6)Our German friends agreed to take a dive in Munich so as to reinforce
unwarranted superiority complex - avoiding awkward questions after
Greece/ Holland/Italy games. Now showing real form against Saudi
Arabia.
7)Sven secretly signed a three year deal with Swedish FA in April and
is in fact managing their team at the World Cup.
8)Fergie has played Veron out of position all year to disguise his real
talent until Friday.
9)I expect to complete mission by July 2002 when Sven takes Ulrika back
to Sweden, media get on the back of all foreign coaches and insist on an
Englishman. I will then give the job to Gazza before returning to
God's country.
Alba Go Bragh
Agent Crozier
Thanks,
Robert
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Total Posts: 89 | Joined Sep. 2001 | Posted on: 11:01 am on June 6, 2002 | IP
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Corkie
GET A LIFE!!! |
As the film called 'The Italian Job' is on the telly tonight, it gives me the chance to bring out one of my old favourites……
In the 1960’s, Michael Caine hosted a party and invited members of a couple of his favourite bands. For the occasion, he got a few good time girls to bring the party to life. After a while he went into one of the rooms and saw some of the girls’ heads in the nether regions of John Lennon, Paul McCartney and Jim Morrison. Full of rage he shouted at the girls – “Look, I told you just to blow the **** ’ doors”.
This may have went over a few folks heads, If so, watch the film and you’ll see what I mean - or get more up to date with oldie/goldie groups
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Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong. - Dandemis
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Total Posts: 261 | Joined Mar. 2002 | Posted on: 7:07 pm on June 6, 2002 | IP
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cazza
Opinionated Wind Bag |
A newly- wed couple arrive home from honeymoon and get set into their new routine of living together.
The wife decided to get up early and make her hubby some breakfast, she takes it upstairs to him but he refuses the food saying "all i want for breakfast is sex". so the wife agrees and he sets off to work.
Her hubby comes home at mid-day and the wife asks him what he wants for lunch, he replies "sex please", so they do the deed and he heads back to work.
He returns home after his shift and his wife asks what he fancies for dinner, again he replies "sex".
This went on day after day for weeks until her husband returns home unexpectidley early from work, he is astonished to find his wife sliding down the bannister several times naked, shocked at her antics he says "what the hell are you doing?", to which she replies "honey, I'm heating up your dinner for you!"
Boom Boom (yeah i know its pash but hey its late at night and i am loaded with the cold)
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SCOTLAND FOREVER
http://www.rampantscotland.com
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Total Posts: 216 | Joined April 2002 | Posted on: 10:53 pm on June 6, 2002 | IP
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Corkie
GET A LIFE!!! |
A bloke on his way home from work comes to a dead halt in Traffic and thinks to himself, this traffic seems worse than usual. He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls downhis window. "Officer what's the hold up?" The officer replies: "It's a French fan, he's just so depressed about losing to the Danish, being knocked out of the world cup, finishing behind England, and the prospect of winning f***k all after gobbing off all year, he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him, his mates are all laughing at him and he has never had a bath, I'm walking around taking a collection for him." "Really?" says the executive "How much have you collected?" "So far," replies the policeman, "only half a gallon, but a lot of people are still siphoning."
Let's hope we can change the name of the team from France to England on Saturday 
C'mon Denmark.....
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Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong. - Dandemis
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Total Posts: 261 | Joined Mar. 2002 | Posted on: 11:36 am on June 12, 2002 | IP
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cazza
Opinionated Wind Bag |
An office worker storms into the office of her boss and complains about a male employee sexually harrassing her. Her boss tries to calm her down and asks what form the harrassment was in, she replies it was verbal.
The boss asks what was said and she said "he told me my hair smelled nice", confused he boss asks why a compliment like that is percieved as harrassment by her to which she replies " well its bloody harrassment if he is a midget!"
think aboot it...............................
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SCOTLAND FOREVER
http://www.rampantscotland.com
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Total Posts: 216 | Joined April 2002 | Posted on: 11:45 pm on June 13, 2002 | IP
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Shneckie Nick
GET A LIFE!!! |
This is an oldie, but for those who haven't heard it-
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
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Beware of Falling Coconuts!
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Total Posts: 314 | Joined Jan. 2002 | Posted on: 1:05 am on June 14, 2002 | IP
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Corkie
GET A LIFE!!! |
These two boys were talking about their sex lives and different techniques to make it really good. One of the guys asked the other if he knew how to do it rodeo-style. The other guy said no and asked him to explain.
''That's where you start out doing it doggy-style, hold a breast in each hand, tell her that she feels SO much like your ex-girlfriend, then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds!''
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Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong. - Dandemis
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Total Posts: 261 | Joined Mar. 2002 | Posted on: 9:00 am on June 14, 2002 | IP
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cazza
Opinionated Wind Bag |
Two guys were sitting on a park bench. A dog sat down beside them and proceeded to lick its balls, the first guy turns to the second and says, "God I wish I could do that!". the second guy looks shocked and said "well I think youd better pet him for a while first"
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SCOTLAND FOREVER
http://www.rampantscotland.com
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Total Posts: 216 | Joined April 2002 | Posted on: 2:26 pm on June 14, 2002 | IP
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furry
Fresh ideas |
Qu. You are trapped in a room with a Tiger, a Ratttlesnake and an English
> football fan. You have a gun but only two bullets, what do you do?
> Ans. Shoot the English football fan...........twice.
>
> Qu. What is the difference between an English football fan and a jet
> engine?
>
> Ans. The jet engine will stop whining eventually.
>
> Qu. What do English football fans and a sperm have in common?
> Ans. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
>
> Qu. What do you have when 100 English football fans are buried up to their
> necks in sand?
> Ans. Not enough sand.
>
> Qu. What is the difference between a dead dog on the road and dead English
> football fan on the road? Ans. There are skid marks in front of the dog.>
> Qu. Did you hear about the UK Politician found dead in an English football
> jersey?
> Ans. The police had to dress him up in women's underwear to save his
> family
> the embarassment.
>
> Four surgeons were talking during a coffee break. The first one says,
> "Accountants are the easiest to operate on because when you open them up
> everything inside them is numbered". The second one says, "Nah,
> librarians
> are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order". The third
> says, "Try electricians, everything inside them is colour coded". To which
> the fourth says,"I prefer English football fans, they're
> heartless,spineless, gutless and their heads and arses are
> interchangeable".
>
>
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I'm the night wha say's "ecky ecky phtang zoing'rrrr"
I'm now the night wha say's "SCOTLAND SCOTLAND"
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Total Posts: 33 | Joined Mar. 2002 | Posted on: 3:40 pm on June 17, 2002 | IP
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young laddie
Fresh ideas |
Q. Why doesn't Michael Barrymore have any ashtrays in his hoose?
A. Because he puts all his fags out in the pool!!
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And by plane train or taxi..........
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Total Posts: 30 | Joined May 2002 | Posted on: 10:58 am on June 18, 2002 | IP
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WillfaeSwindon
GET A LIFE!!! |
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
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Will
willfaeswindon@swindontartanarmy.com
http://www.swindontartanarmy.com
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Total Posts: 1972 | Joined Sep. 2001 | Posted on: 7:25 pm on June 18, 2002 | IP
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TA Ealing
GET A LIFE!!! |
Doctor, Doctor!
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. - Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient. - Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." - Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. - Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. - Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered ... "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive." Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labelled "KY Jelly." Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
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Campbeltown Loch, I Wish You Were Whisky
www.taealing.co.uk
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Total Posts: 1137 | Joined Sep. 2001 | Posted on: 2:24 pm on June 24, 2002 | IP
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Corkie
GET A LIFE!!! |
During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R & R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, and then caught a train to London.
The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.
Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady was insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude," she said. "Can't you see my dog is sitting there?" He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.
"Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I could sit down," he said. The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant too."
He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious!"
With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, smartly dressed Scotsman sitting across on the other seat spoke up.
"Excuse me friend, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
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Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong. - Dandemis
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Total Posts: 261 | Joined Mar. 2002 | Posted on: 2:41 pm on June 24, 2002 | IP
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blackearnside
GET A LIFE!!! |
We always hear "the rules" from the feminine side. Ok - well now hear the guys' side ? These are our rules! Please note ...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
THE GUYS RULES
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
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Alba mo gradhach dachaigh duthaich
Blackearnside Tartan Army
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Total Posts: 420 | Joined Jan. 2002 | Posted on: 1:33 pm on June 25, 2002 | IP
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insomnia
Fresh ideas |
I was walking through the countryside, when i noticed a man standing still in the middle of a field.
Are you trying to be a scarecrow?i asked.
No said the man, i'm trying to win the NOBLE PEACE PRIZE.
How do you think you'll do that, i asked.
Because i was told, it would go to someone who was"out-standing in his field".
boom boom.
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Total Posts: 31 | Joined April 2002 | Posted on: 10:18 pm on June 25, 2002 | IP
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