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Craig W
Talks too much |
     
A motorway is in a bar, chatting up a cute 'A' road. "aye," he says, puffin out his tarmac, "I'm the hardest road in the country." Suddenly the bar door opens, and a thin strip of gravel walks in. The motorway bolts for the toilets and doesn't come out until the strip of gravel has gone. "I thought you said you were the hardest road in the country?" chides the 'A' road. "Aye," says the motorway, "but yon's a blooody cyclepath!"
etc, etc...
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Visit Scotland from your armchair at http://www.loveofscotland.com/
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Total Posts: 101 | Joined Feb. 2002 | Posted on: 6:01 pm on April 23, 2002 | IP
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blackearnside
GET A LIFE!!! |
Man rushes home, bursting through the front door of his house yelling to his wife "Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery! All 10 million of it....
Woooohooo"
"That's great sweetie" she replies, "Do I pack for the beach or the mountains?"
"Who cares", he replies, "Just feck off"
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Alba mo gradhach dachaigh duthaich
Blackearnside Tartan Army
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Total Posts: 420 | Joined Jan. 2002 | Posted on: 8:11 am on April 24, 2002 | IP
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bry
GET A LIFE!!! |
Sorry to all the buddies out there, but I'm sure you have a sense of humour
St. Mirren FC had a meeting and decided to inject some new talent
> > into the club. So they set up a big budget and asked the scouts to
> > search every corner of the world for fresh and particularly gifted
>players.
> >
> > Off they went on a tour of the world visiting every country possible,
> > finding quite good and quite talented players everywhere they went, but
> > nothing really so special that it would make any difference to the club.
> >
> > After some time and running out of places to look they started going
> > through the most underdeveloped and war-torn countries in Eastern
> > Europe.
> >
> > Whilst walking the streets of Bosnia and just about ready to give up,
> > they stopped and watched a bunch of young lads playing football with a
>ball
> > of rags, noticing one youngster who was an absolute demon! Running rings
> > round the other kids, scoring goals, ball tricks, the lot, this guy was
> > amazing and the scouts couldn't believe their eyes or their luck.
> >
> > After the game they spoke to him, struck the deal and as soon as they
> > could had him moving over playing for SMFC by the next season.
> >
> > Anyway, along came his first match and sure enough he was just as good
> > as they saw him in Bosnia, the opposing side stood little chance and
>hardly
> > touched the ball as he more or less won the game single-handedly.
> >
> > After the final whistle the rest of the team lifted him into the air
> > while the crowd sang his praises, it was the most exhilarating day of
>his
> > entire life. While the rest of the team celebrated the highest scoring
>game
> > in St Mirrens history, the first thing he wanted to do was telephone his
> > mum
> > and give her the great news.
> >
> > "Oh Mum, you wouldn't believe it! They absolutely love me! I'm doing so
> > well Mum, you're going to be so proud of me, I've scored 12 goals in my
> > first match, they're going to pay me loads of money and I'm so happy!
> > "How are things at home?".
> >
> > Suddenly he hears his Mum crying down the phone.
> > "What's the matter Mum?". She says "I have some terrible news for you
> > son, your dad was shot dead in the street this morning"
> >
> > "Oh no, that's devastating!" he said
> >
> > "And then I got news that your sister was gang raped in the park"
> >
> > On hearing this all the excitement of the day was forgotten "oh mum this
> > is terrible" he sobbed
> >
> > "And just before you called I got news that your brother has been
> > attacked by a bunch of wild dogs roaming the area and is critically ill"
> >
> > "Oh Mum what can I say, I am so sorry to hear this".
> >
> > "Sorry?" she screamed "It's your f*@king fault we moved to Paisley"
> >
>
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bry fae thurso
Glas Gaidheal
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Total Posts: 405 | Joined Sep. 2001 | Posted on: 12:10 pm on April 24, 2002 | IP
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blackearnside
GET A LIFE!!! |
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.
Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then put all these Frosties back in the box...
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Alba mo gradhach dachaigh duthaich
Blackearnside Tartan Army
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Total Posts: 420 | Joined Jan. 2002 | Posted on: 2:03 pm on April 24, 2002 | IP
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blackearnside
GET A LIFE!!! |
The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,"Since you've been such a good man and your motocycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven. Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God,"Hey, aren't you the inventor of women?"
God said,"Ahh,yes"
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.
1. There's too much inconsistancy in the front-end protusion
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous.
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
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Alba mo gradhach dachaigh duthaich
Blackearnside Tartan Army
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Total Posts: 420 | Joined Jan. 2002 | Posted on: 2:10 pm on April 24, 2002 | IP
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Vegas
Something to say |
what do u call a deer with no eyes
no-eye-deer
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Why should I be hanged for treason when England is foreign to me!
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Total Posts: 57 | Joined April 2002 | Posted on: 2:13 pm on April 24, 2002 | IP
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blackearnside
GET A LIFE!!! |
I dont know how to post this as its a movie but if anybody wants the Scottish Hakka drop me an email and I will send it by return.
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Alba mo gradhach dachaigh duthaich
Blackearnside Tartan Army
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Total Posts: 420 | Joined Jan. 2002 | Posted on: 2:18 pm on April 24, 2002 | IP
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fringo
GET A LIFE!!! |
Quote: from Vegas on 2:13 pm on April 24, 2002
what do u call a deer with no eyes
no-eye-deer
How about a deer with no eyes and no legs..?
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“He’s not George Best... but, then again, no one is.”CLIVE TYLDESLEY, ITV
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Total Posts: 1108 | Joined Oct. 2001 | Posted on: 2:37 pm on April 24, 2002 | IP
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fringo
GET A LIFE!!! |
For those of you who don't have kids or are far too young to remember the
splendid children's TV programme "Rainbow", this may be a little lost on
you...... but it must have been a great episode to watch!
Almost too ridiculous to believe... These are taken from original Rainbow
scripts and there's no way these could have been done by Accident. Innuendo
all the way
The sketch opens with Zippy peeling a banana.....
Zippy: " One skin, two skin, three skin, four "
George: " Zippy, where is Bungle?"
Zippy: " I think Geoffrey is trying to get him up"
We see a view of the door and hear Bungle moaning from behind it.
Bungle: " Geoffrey, I can't get it in"
Geoffrey: "You managed it last night"
Bungle: "I know, lets try it round the Otherway. Ooooooh, I've got it in"
Bungle and Geoffrey enter the studio with Bungle carrying a hammer and peg
kit
Bungle: " Would you stick this on the shelf, George"
George: " I can't reach, you'll have to stick it up yourself, Bungle."
Geoffrey (to camera) " Hello everyone, today we are talking about playing"
Bungle: " Playing with each other, Geoffrey?"
Geoffrey:" Yes Bungle, do you have a special friend that you like to play
with?"
George:" Yesterday we played with each other's balls. Are we going to play
with our friend's balls today?
Bungle: " Yes, and we can play with our twangers as well."
Geoffrey (to camera) Have you seen Bungles twanger? Zippy:" Oh I have, I
showed him how to pluck with it."
Bungle: " It's my plucking instrument."
Geoffrey asks the audience if they can pluck like Bungle
Zippy:" I can, I'm the best plucker here."
George;" And I'm good at banging. My peg's hard isn't it Zippy?
Zippy:" Well of course it is, Your peg wouldn't go in if it was soft."
Geoffrey;" Let's get back to Bungle's twanger."
Bungle (excited) " Oooooh Geoffrey, we could all play with our twangers
couldn't we? Let's play the plucking song. Rod and Roger can get their
instruments out and Jane has got two lovely Maracas."
Singers Rod, Freddy and Jane enter.
Freddy:" We could hear you all banging away" Rod: " Banging can be fun."
Jane:" Ooooh yes, and I was banging away all last night with Rod and
Freddy."
Freddy ( looking sad ) " Yes, but it broke my plucking instrument."
Rod ( to Jane ) " Do you want to blow on my pipe while I'm twanging away?"
Jane: " Oh no, I was banging away with Freddy last night. But would you
like
to play with my maracas?
Zippy; " No, let's just pluck away with our twangers." George:" Yes, it
doesn't matter what size our twanger is."
Zippy;" I've got a big red one." George: " I've only got a tiny twanger.
But
it works well and I like to play with it."
Geoffrey (to viewers) " Well, have you got your twangers out? And remember,
you can bang your balls at the same time. If you haven't got any, ask a
friend if you can play with his. Now,let's all play the plucking song."
Everyone in studio: " Pluck, pluck, pluck along, we're going to pluck all
day."
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“He’s not George Best... but, then again, no one is.”CLIVE TYLDESLEY, ITV
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Total Posts: 1108 | Joined Oct. 2001 | Posted on: 2:40 pm on April 24, 2002 | IP
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sammyboy
Opinionated Wind Bag |
Fringo, that's fuQing ace, mate!
Nice TAMB T-shirt foties everyone, by the way!
Scotsman, gorgeous bird, large lady & E*****hman get on train together. Train goes through tunnel.
When it comes out again, the E*****hman has a big red mark on his face. He thinks 'The Scotsman must have put the moves on that babe, and she slapped me by mistake!'
The fat lady thinks 'That English guy must have tried it on with the young girl and she hit him. Good on her!'
The beautiful girl thinks 'The Englishman must have felt that fat girl up thinking it was me and she smacked him!'
And the Scotsman thinks 'Man, I hope we go through another tunnel, so I can belt that E*****h fuQer again!'
Go on my son!
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"I like to go a-wandering......."
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Total Posts: 152 | Joined April 2002 | Posted on: 11:17 pm on April 24, 2002 | IP
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fringo
GET A LIFE!!! |
Quote: from fringo on 2:37 pm on April 24, 2002
Quote: from Vegas on 2:13 pm on April 24, 2002
what do u call a deer with no eyes
no-eye-deer
How about a deer with no eyes and no legs..?
Still no eye dear......?????????? 
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“He’s not George Best... but, then again, no one is.”CLIVE TYLDESLEY, ITV
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Total Posts: 1108 | Joined Oct. 2001 | Posted on: 11:26 pm on April 24, 2002 | IP
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BigDaveJ
GET A LIFE!!! |
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After
drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.
After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and
asks for another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the
bartender asks him,
"Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there.
When she looks
good enough, I'll go home."
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'For, as long as but a hundred of us remain alive, never will we on any conditions be brought under English rule. It is in truth not for glory, nor riches, nor honours that we are fighting, but for freedom - for that alone, which no honest man gives up but with life itself.’ Extract from the Declaration of Arbroath 1320.
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Total Posts: 279 | Joined Jan. 2002 | Posted on: 1:26 pm on April 25, 2002 | IP
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Vegas
Something to say |
a squirell wearing a hard hat walks into a bar and jumps on a stool and asks the barman for a pint of lager.
The barman : what do u do ?
squirell : am a joiner at the building site across the road
barman : right
The barman goes through the back and phones his mate who is a Ring Master at a circus who just happens to be in town...and says " look Tam get urself down here i have a talking squirell in my bar "
tam walks into the bar about 20 mins later and walks upto the squirell who has just got himself another pint
Tam : so do u really talk ?
squirell : yeah yeah
tam : what do u do ?
squirell : i am a joiner across the road in that building site
tam : how much do u get paid ?
squirell : £300 a week
tam : i'll give u £800 a week to come and work in my circus ? i'm the Ring master u see
squirell : do u have like a big top marque ?
tam : yes
squirell : seating arena for the audience
tam: yes
squirell : cages with lions and tigers..elephants and that sort of stuff
tam: yes of course
squirell: WHY THE BLOODY HELL DO U NEED A JOINER THEN ???
so so bad....I'll get me coat
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Why should I be hanged for treason when England is foreign to me!
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Total Posts: 57 | Joined April 2002 | Posted on: 3:13 pm on April 25, 2002 | IP
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Defkes
Fresh ideas |
Belgian Investment tip, If you had bought 1000 EURO in shares of Nortel Networks one year ago, you would have 59 EURO today. If you had bought 1000 EURO in shares of Lucent Technologies on Jan 2000, you would have 79 EURO today. Now, if you had bought 1000 EURO of Duvel beer one year ago, drunken the whole lot and returned the empty bottles in the
supermarket, you would have 80 EURO today.
Conclusion: Economically it's best to be sitting in the couch watching football on TV and drinking beer the whole day...
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Total Posts: 8 | Joined Sep. 2001 | Posted on: 3:17 pm on April 25, 2002 | IP
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Phil MaGlass
GET A LIFE!!! |
WHAT THE FUQ!
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Total Posts: 698 | Joined Sep. 2001 | Posted on: 3:21 pm on April 25, 2002 | IP
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BigDaveJ
GET A LIFE!!! |
I thought the same!!!
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge
said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death
with a spanner."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out,
"You b*stard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with
beating your daughter to death with a spanner."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled
out, "You ****ing b*stard!!!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of
the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand
your anger and frustration at this
crime, but I will not have any more of these
outbursts from you or I shall
charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"
Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and
responded, "For fifteen
years I lived next door to that b*stard. And every
time I asked to borrow a ****ing spanner,
he said he didn't have one!"
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'For, as long as but a hundred of us remain alive, never will we on any conditions be brought under English rule. It is in truth not for glory, nor riches, nor honours that we are fighting, but for freedom - for that alone, which no honest man gives up but with life itself.’ Extract from the Declaration of Arbroath 1320.
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Total Posts: 279 | Joined Jan. 2002 | Posted on: 3:35 pm on April 25, 2002 | IP
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Phil MaGlass
GET A LIFE!!! |
A loaf of bread walks into a bar and says-a pint of Guiness and a whisky chaser please .
The barman says -sorry we dont serve food here.
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Total Posts: 698 | Joined Sep. 2001 | Posted on: 3:40 pm on April 25, 2002 | IP
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BigDaveJ
GET A LIFE!!! |
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and
says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and
screams in agony. She pushes her knee and
screams, pushes her ankle and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are
you?"
She says "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."
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'For, as long as but a hundred of us remain alive, never will we on any conditions be brought under English rule. It is in truth not for glory, nor riches, nor honours that we are fighting, but for freedom - for that alone, which no honest man gives up but with life itself.’ Extract from the Declaration of Arbroath 1320.
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Total Posts: 279 | Joined Jan. 2002 | Posted on: 4:38 pm on April 25, 2002 | IP
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BigDaveJ
GET A LIFE!!! |
Following a night out with a few friends, a man
brought them back to show off his new flat.
After the grand tour, the visitors were rather
perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the
lounge.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests
asked.
"Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.
"How does it work?"
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an
ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall
screamed, "For ****
sake, you *****, it's twenty to two in the ****ing
morning!!"
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'For, as long as but a hundred of us remain alive, never will we on any conditions be brought under English rule. It is in truth not for glory, nor riches, nor honours that we are fighting, but for freedom - for that alone, which no honest man gives up but with life itself.’ Extract from the Declaration of Arbroath 1320.
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Total Posts: 279 | Joined Jan. 2002 | Posted on: 12:27 pm on April 26, 2002 | IP
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john b lyons
Talks too much |
what do you call a dear with no eyes , no legs and no genitals ?.............still no f**k**g eye deer!
What do you give a cannibal who turns up late for a dinner party?......................cold shoulder !
Sorry !
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Tartan Army Sittingbourne (Kent) - all one of me !
Nemo me impune lacessit !
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Total Posts: 108 | Joined Mar. 2002 | Posted on: 10:26 pm on April 26, 2002 | IP
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Tartan Army Message Board
New joke thread
