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Brian Rodden
GET A LIFE!!! |
    
A white horse walks into a pub and the barman says 'we've got a whisky named after you',to which the white horse says 'what Tam'
Did you hear about the irish lamppost?
It pished on the dug!
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Gettin Magoo'd Is Good For You!
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Total Posts: 382 | Joined Feb. 2002 | Posted on: 12:52 pm on May 22, 2002 | IP
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pishedpaul
Opinionated Wind Bag |
A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door. There's no answer so he knocks again.
Eventually a Japanese bloke answers...
"Harro", says the jappy chappy. "Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman
"I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.
Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the binman smiles And says
"No mate, where's ya dust bin?"
"I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Japanese man
"Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me... Where's your Wheely Bin?"
"OK" "OK" , says the Jap, "I wheely bin having w*nk"
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STC Fair Play Cup 2002 photo's added to http://www.edinburghtartanarmy.com
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Total Posts: 188 | Joined Oct. 2001 | Posted on: 3:20 pm on May 22, 2002 | IP
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Phil MaGlass
GET A LIFE!!! |
ha ha ha.
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Total Posts: 698 | Joined Sep. 2001 | Posted on: 3:58 pm on May 22, 2002 | IP
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Dianne
GET A LIFE!!! |
MEN, WOMEN AND STANDARDS
1 If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race,
you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
2 If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
3 If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your
ass and find something better.
4 If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
5 If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
6 If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
7 If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense.
8 If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
9 If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
10 If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.
11 If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.
12 If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
13 If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
14 If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.
15 If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
16 If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.
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Tommy's Tantric Tartan Army
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Total Posts: 710 | Joined Mar. 2002 | Posted on: 6:25 pm on May 22, 2002 | IP
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Schneker KTA
Opinionated Wind Bag |
A boy fae the TA is on holiday in San Franciso and visits China town. He goes into a junk shop and sees a brass rat. Thinking that it was a good conversation piece he ask how much it is, the old man ahent the coonter says
" ten dolla fo rat, 1000 dolla fo rat stolee"
The foot sojer thinks fek that I'll take the rat an naw bother wi the story. so he buys the rat and walks oot the shop.
2 minutes later two rats appear behind.
5 minutes later ten rats following him down the street
Soon rats are coming out of every sewer and bucket he passes.
He starts to run and aw the rats start to follow him thir wee legs goan like hell, mair joinin at every turn.
Soon he's sprinting doon the road coming to the pier.
As he gets to the end he thinks fuq it and chucks the rat into the sea. 400 rats thats following jumps in efter it and droons.
The gadge aboot turns and goes right back to the shop.
The old boy says "yoo wan pay for stolee now"
"Naw" says wur man " Ye got any brass E######men?"
Sory Steely couldnae resist it.
(Edited by Schneker KTA at 7:56 am on May 23, 2002)
(Edited by Schneker KTA at 8:00 am on May 23, 2002)
(Edited by Schneker KTA at 8:02 am on May 23, 2002)
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"Awa oot fur a quick pint hen" Lord Lucan '74
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Total Posts: 205 | Joined April 2002 | Posted on: 8:04 pm on May 22, 2002 | IP
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Schneker KTA
Opinionated Wind Bag |
Procedure for using drive through cash machine.
MALE
1 Drive up to cash machine
2 Open window
3 Insert card and enter pin
4 Enter amount of withdrawl
5 Retrieve card, cash and reciept
6 Close window
7 Drive off
FEMALE
1 Drive up to cash machine
2 Reverse back 1 metre to align car with machine, stall engine
3 Open window
4 Look in hand bag, remove make-up bag and locate card
5 Check make-up in mirror
6 Attempt to insert card in machine
7 Open car door to get closer to machine
8 Insert card
9 Return to handbag to find fag packet containing PIN
10 Insert PIN, cancel, enter correct PIN
11 Enter amount of withdrawl
12 Recheck make-up and adjust hair in mirror
13 Remove cash and reciept.
14 Restart car and drive forward 2 metes
15 Reverse back stall car and remove card from machine
16 Place card in hand bag next to 3 years worth of reciepts
17 Recheck make-up in mirror
18 Restart engine and drive off
19 Drive for three miles
20 Release handbrake
[img]http://emoticons4u.com/trans/fahr04.gif
(Edited by Schneker KTA at 7:59 am on May 23, 2002)
(Edited by Schneker KTA at 8:01 am on May 23, 2002)
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"Awa oot fur a quick pint hen" Lord Lucan '74
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Total Posts: 205 | Joined April 2002 | Posted on: 8:36 pm on May 22, 2002 | IP
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blackearnside
GET A LIFE!!! |
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatso ever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
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Alba mo gradhach dachaigh duthaich
Blackearnside Tartan Army
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Total Posts: 420 | Joined Jan. 2002 | Posted on: 9:20 am on May 24, 2002 | IP
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fringo
GET A LIFE!!! |
golden oldie worth repeating :
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home"
"that sounds like Tom Jones syndrome"
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual"
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“He’s not George Best... but, then again, no one is.”CLIVE TYLDESLEY, ITV
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Total Posts: 1108 | Joined Oct. 2001 | Posted on: 11:08 am on May 24, 2002 | IP
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perthTam
Opinionated Wind Bag |
News just in Newcastle United players in drugs scandal......
Shearer Cort Dyer Given Bellamy Speed.
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"God help England if she had no Scots to think for her."
George Bernard Shaw (a neutral Irishman)
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Total Posts: 214 | Joined Feb. 2002 | Posted on: 3:50 pm on May 24, 2002 | IP
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JimFaeKdy
GET A LIFE!!! |
10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
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Don`t Eat Yellow Snow
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Total Posts: 703 | Joined Sep. 2001 | Posted on: 12:12 pm on May 25, 2002 | IP
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BuddyDrunk
Fresh ideas |
The Top 20 Reasons Why Chocolate is Better than Sex
1.You can get chocolate.
2."If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3.Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4.You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5.You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6.You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7.If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8.Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9.The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10.You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.
11.You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12.You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13.With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14.Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15.You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16.Good chocolate is easy to find.
17.You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18.You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19.When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20.With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good.
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i get bored often
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Total Posts: 23 | Joined May 2002 | Posted on: 12:34 am on May 26, 2002 | IP
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blackearnside
GET A LIFE!!! |
Up again
Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research. It is believed that by the year 2010 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.
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Alba mo gradhach dachaigh duthaich
Blackearnside Tartan Army
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Total Posts: 420 | Joined Jan. 2002 | Posted on: 12:27 pm on May 30, 2002 | IP
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Snoddy
Talks too much |
David Copperfield was performing a magic trick show, when he decided he wanted some audience participation. HE asked the crowd if any of them wanted to show a trick that they have. One man at the front raised his arm and David asked the man to the stage. He told the man that the stage was for him and asked if there was anything he needed. The man replied, "could I have a table please Dave" Two men bought a table to the centre of the stage.
The man then said "could I just borrow your lovely wife and assistant, Miss Claudia Schiffer" David thought why not and let the man perform the trick. When Claudia got to the table the man asked "would you mind just bending over the table Claudia".
Then the man lifted her miniskirt and pulled down her knickers, within a moment the man was stuck up Claudia and promptly giving her one. David Copperfield couldn't believe his eyes and ran on to the stage and pulled them apart saying, "Oi this ain't a trick". When the man replied, "BUT ITS **** MAGIC MATE"
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Total Posts: 111 | Joined Oct. 2001 | Posted on: 12:59 pm on May 30, 2002 | IP
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winky
Talks too much |
Polish bloke goes for an eye test.the optician says"can you read the bottomline on the chart please".
"Read it ",says the Polish bloke ,"I went to feckin school
with him"!!!
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edi mon robert heres p.c. murdoch!!!!
tell soapy soutar an fat boab tae hide up stoorie brae,wee ecks still sniffin gloo!!
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Total Posts: 109 | Joined Feb. 2002 | Posted on: 6:02 pm on May 30, 2002 | IP
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Mazzy
Opinionated Wind Bag |
Two cows in a field spot a michty huge bull at the other side of the field.
One says "Jings I hope he disnae charge"
Other one "Me too Ive only 50p on me"
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oooo sha lala
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Total Posts: 170 | Joined May 2002 | Posted on: 6:53 pm on May 30, 2002 | IP
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kennylock
Something to say |
Camila-Parker-Bowles goes to the doctor and say's
"Doctor, everytime i suck Charles' cock I get this really sore stomach as well as this very sore throat". The doc replys
"Mmmmm have you tried Andrews"
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I only need one Lion on my shirt.
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Total Posts: 97 | Joined Sep. 2001 | Posted on: 8:56 pm on May 30, 2002 | IP
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perthTam
Opinionated Wind Bag |
Just been learning some Korean....
England will win the World Cup.............No Fu Kin Wai
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"God help England if she had no Scots to think for her."
George Bernard Shaw (a neutral Irishman)
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Total Posts: 214 | Joined Feb. 2002 | Posted on: 12:06 pm on May 31, 2002 | IP
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perthTam
Opinionated Wind Bag |
The England captain is the guest speaker at a
management seminar. He steps up to the podium and
begins his speech. "They're small and minty and keep
my breath fresh for up to two hours and to Victoria's
delight they're only two calories".
The audience looks stunned, when a small voice from
the side of the podium whispers,
"No David, you're here to talk about tactics."
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"God help England if she had no Scots to think for her."
George Bernard Shaw (a neutral Irishman)
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Total Posts: 214 | Joined Feb. 2002 | Posted on: 4:13 pm on May 31, 2002 | IP
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blackearnside
GET A LIFE!!! |
Bringing this back up wi some funnies.
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Alba mo gradhach dachaigh duthaich
Blackearnside Tartan Army
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Total Posts: 420 | Joined Jan. 2002 | Posted on: 7:30 pm on June 5, 2002 | IP
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Ali Beveridge
Opinionated Wind Bag |
Q. What KING had the most kids ????
A. JOHNATHEN !!!!
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'we're on the march wi Ali's army '
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Total Posts: 248 | Joined Jan. 2002 | Posted on: 11:47 pm on June 5, 2002 | IP
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Tartan Army Message Board
New joke thread
