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General Amusement

This Page is simply a sink for various bits and pieces that dont seem to fit anywhere else on the Tartan Army Home Pages. feel free to send anything to me which you think might fit on this page.
That Song

That song that haunts everyone since the 98 World Cup was the "Carnival De Paris" (A great song that brings back all the good, and bad, memories, of France 98). It is the same song that "Irn Bru, Irn Bru" was being sung to. It became pretty popular in Bordeaux.

One fan reported that a funny moment was when a guy turned up in a bar in Lyon with a can of Irn Bru. Everyone started to bow and pray to the bru!

John Collins - World Cup 'Hunk'

Shortly after the France 98 World Cup, the Tartan Army Home Pages received information from an 18 year old Brazilian girl named Carolina that she has an Internet page dedicated to Scottish midfielder John Collins. On investigation, this was indeed the case so feel free to link into the John Collins Home Page.

Bizzare Links

This strange link doesn't need any more introduction.

Brazil - The Facts

Someone has sent in what is claimed to be the actual players dialogue (as recorded by the referee) from the Brazil-Scotland match.

We take up the action in the 3rd minute of the first half...

Leighton: Let's huv a name on this, I don't want tae see the baw here again for at least another 20 seconds.
Lambert: Shit, its coming towards me. Whit the f**k dae ah dae wi' it noo.
Durie: Don't f**kin' pass it here ya donkey, I dinna want it. Gie it to Jackson.
Jackson: Shit, wasn't expecting it this early in the game. I think I'll gie it back tae Paul.
Lambert: No' again.
Boyd: F**k off Lambert, gie it tae Burley, he'll know whit ta dae.
Burley: Ach that's miles away Tam.
Collins: That's come to me nicely. How am I looking? Fantastic I bet. These Brazilians are pish by the way. Looking good Johnny Boy, ah can skin them all. Shit, lost it. Hope the camera didn't get that one.
Calderwood: Christ, he's comin' at me, where's Colin? Colin, get oer here, that silky b**t*rd, Ronaldo's comin' for me. Whit noo?
Hendry: Slide him.
Calderwood: Whit?
Hendry: Leave him tae me......f**k, missed him the wee sh*t*.
Leighton: Oh for f**k's sake.
Dailly: Better get back.
Gallacher: Wonder what's happening up there? Oh corner to Brazil. Better go and stand next tae somebody.
Leighton: Who's on Sampaio?
Jackson: Are we eating out tonight? Scampi did you say?
Hendry: I'll mark Ronaldo.
Calderwood: I'll mark Ronaldo.
Dailly: I'll mark Ronaldo.
Boyd: I'll mark Ronaldo.
Collins: How am I looking?
Hendry: Burley, you mark Rivaldo.
Burley: Okay, I've got Ronaldo.
Leighton: For f**k's sake, who was marking Sampaio???
Hendry: I had Ronaldo. Its no' ma fault.
Durie: Did the cameras see it?

20 minutes later.........

Hendry: Shit, here they come again. Crash positions lads.
Leighton: Oh Jesus, humiliation beckons again. Maybe Fergie was right. I'm sh*t*.
Jackson: Oh there's ma Mum in the crowd.
Durie: B**t*rds the lot of them. I bet they're Catholics.
Dailly: Better get back.
Collins: Feeling like a run. Want to strutt those majestic thighs. Looking and feeling great. Plenty of time to score. Oh, here comes the ball. Nice touch, Johnny Boy, you are a God, oh passed him nicely, looking good, need a rest, breaking sweat, I'll gie it to Burley. Beautiful.
Burley: Hi Colin, what are you doing here? Do you want the ball, I think I'm aboot tae get tackled. Shit.
Hendry: I didn't want it ya fanny Craig. Oh shit, here they come again, must hoof it somewhere safe. Where's Jim? Bugger, up the park will do.
Gallacher: Ball coming, must run fast as little legs will carry, then maybe it'll miss me.....F**K, WHAT WAS THAT???? A bloody train hit me. Why is everyone hugging me? Am I dead?
Referee: Penalty to Scotland.
Scottish Fans: F**kin' Hell.
Hendry: Who wants to take it?
Durie: Errm, ma legs sore. Old injury.
Gallacher: I've lost a contact lens.
Jackson: MaBoyd: Wha'?...............Oh ybe it's no' ma Mum.
Collins: Give it tae Johnny Boy, he'll take it. Looking great, I wish ah had a mirror. Hope the burd is tapin' the game.
McAllister: Now you'll know how it feels ya wee b**t*rd.
Collins: Let me just place the ball. Millions of burds watching. Cool as a cucumber, Johnners. Right ref, nearly ready. Just fix the hair. Okay, ready to we go...........just one final check, teeth are clean, hair great. Right ladies, watch this.................. and Johnny Boy does it again. Don't touch the f**kin' hair Burley. Hands off my arse Durie. You can get away with that at Rangers, but not here. I can see God on Stars in their Eyes saying, "Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be John Collins."
McAllister: F**k.
Craig Brown: Tee hee.
Scottish Fan: Whit? Goal against Brazil? Ya beautyyyyyy. Second round, here we come!!
Leighton: What's happening up there?

16 minutes to go............

Hendry: Get rid o' it ya mug!
Lambert: Where?
Hendry: Just hammer it.
Burley: No' tae me ya eejit.
Calderwood: P**s off, Ah had it a minute ago. Its no ma turn, ma kid's watchin'.
Hendry: I said hammer it, not pass it.
Durie: Its too far for me to chase. Go on Kevin.
Gallacher: Come on wee legs, faster. I'm gonna make it. Got it!!! Shit, lost it.
Collins: And his majestic highness steps in to stealthily pass a gorgeous ball to his fellow team mate.
Lambert: I told you, not to me.
Dailly: I don't want it. There's 300 million people watching.
Collins: Is that all? I need a bigger audience. Johnny Boy to the rescue. Who wants a bit of silky skill from the King of all Kings. I think I'll pass to me. Oh yes...fantastic, still looking great. Glad I wore that aftershave today..... What was that?
Gallacher: That was Ronaldo.
Jackson: Can I get a shot on the ball? Ma mum's watching.
Hendry: Somebody tackle Ronaldo.
Calderwood: Okay.......shit, missed again.
Hendry: Somebody tackle Ronaldo.
Leighton: Who's on the ball now?
Boyd: Dunno.
Leighton: Get markin' I think that's a cross comin' in.
Boyd: I think I'll mark.....him. He doesn't look dangerous. I should come out of this okay. I can see the newspapers tomorrow, Braveheart Boyd a stalwart at the back.
Leighton: CROSS COMIN' IN!!! I'M GOIN' FOR IT!!! TOMMY, LOOK OUT........... f**k.

Saint Etienne - The Facts

The press reported that the town drank 125,000 litres of beer in Saint Etienne on Tuesday 23rd June. This is approximately 25 times the normal daily consumption for the city. The Tartan Army will certainly have accounted for a fair proportion of that figure. Thats a lot of beer and no fighting !!

Oh la la la la la ..... COMEDIE !

One footsoldier reported on his ticket acquisition :

After two weeks on the road via Paris & Bordeaux I was looking forward to the St Etienne game, refreshed by a couple of relatively swally free days camping en route.

I had got my tickets lined up via a french girl I know who is a drama student in St Etienne. Months of planning had come to fruition as we met up and swapped money for tickets 3 days before the game. She had got the tickets from the head of her drama school who, being a bigwig in the town, had bought wads of briefs for all the games there.

Now, remember all those tv ads telling us that you wouldn't get into the grounds if your name wasn't on the tickets? Well, anyone who was in France knows that the original purchaser's name was in fact on the tickets, so there were thousands of guys in kilts apparently passing themselves off as Jean Pierre Leblanc etc and no-one gave a toss.

Anyway, I'd got these tickets via the St Etienne Centre of Dramatic Arts, which is housed in the town's theatre - or playhouse. Unfortunately the French word for Playhouse is 'Comedie' (the french for actor is 'Comedien'). So my ticket - which I had thought I would keep forever as a souvenir of Scotland's famous moment in history - says on it:

'ECOSSE - MAROC 23 JUIN 1998 21.00h

aye, true enough.

Stand Up, Sit Down, etc

There was considerable use of various songs against the English team by Scots in France during the World Cup. One of these songs was 'Stand Up if You Hate England" to which everyone stands up and sits down accordingly. In fact, at the Scotland vs Norway match, a chorus of this started from the Scotland end and also got the Norway support and much of the main stand on their feet.

One fan reported the following story about his was back home from Paris after Scotland were knocked out "Last Sunday in Paris, me and Pud were stoatin' back to the hotel to pick up our bags before heading to the airport. Still kilted up, a loud shout came from behind us in faltering English - "If you hate England stand up!". We turned around expecting to see a fellow foreign fan or a vagrant and certainly not a well heeled, middle class elderly Parisian punching the air!"

Was There a Conspiracy ???

The Quarter-Finalists for the France 98 World Cup:

A rgentina
B razil
C roatia
D enmark

F rance
G ermany
H olland
I taly

It is strongly beleived therefore that this is conclusive scientific evidence that England were cheated out of a place in the Quarter Finals!!!

Scotlands Latest Squad!

The Tartan Army Home Pages can exclusively reveal that forthcoming Scotland squad will consist of the following players:

1. Phil MacCracken
2. Bill MaCreditcard
3. Willy O'Wontie
4. Chuck MaLoad
5. Ben Dover
6. Luke Atmadick
7. Fartoolong McStay
8. Jack Mabody
9. Tam Furalastyin
10. Afore Thechippyshuts
11. Whitsthe Hampden

12. Roger Yerarse
13. Ally McCoist (as always)
14. Jim Jimeny
15. Alf Uckentakehislegsaway
16. Bruce Yerselvesforanotherclosemiss
17. Geeza Quickyhen(ex foreign-national)
18. Some Unknown Yougster

Oh Those Vikings !

This following message was received from a Swedish chap shortly before France 98:
"I´m extremely sad not to be with you in France. In my anger of Sweden´s defeat, I made my girlfriend pregnant, so I can´t even join you screaming on the stands.....
I support you from all my heart, and promise to wear my scottish t-shirt I got in Gothenburg every day without wash!!
Good luck, boys!!!
Name witheld in case his burd sees the message

Har, Har, Har

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Scotsman said, "Keep the damn egg !".

Quick Quiz ...

Amaze your friends down the local with this brain teaser (answers at the end of this page) :

"Name a Scotland Player with a surname equal to each letter of SCOTLAND ... to make it a bit more difficult, all players should have worn the No 9 jersey on at least one occassion."

Get Bonking Lads - Get Yer Knobs Oot

PA News Agency reported a headline which proclaimed "SCOTS ARE HEADING FOR EXTINCTION, SAYS PROFESSOR". The story reported on findings from a professor at Bristol University whose analysis revealed that the Scottish fertility rate was only 1.55 whereas a rate of 2.1 is required to maintain the population level.

Statements such as "The Scots are a dying breed." and "The Scottish people will one day become extinct." were what prompted our correspondant to cry for 'give yer wife or lass one for Scotland!'.

The Pyramid Returns ...

Pre-World Cup 1998, there was a theory going round that England would win the World Cup, based upon the following palendromic "proof"

1966 England
1970 Brazil
1974 Germany
1978 Argentina
1982 Italy
1986 Argentina
1990 Germany
1994 Brazil
1998 England ???

The originators of that theory have re-examined this proof and have come up with an equally palendromic proof which clearly shows why England didn't win:

1970 Won fuck all
1974 Won fuck all
1978 Won fuck all
1982 Won fuck all
1986 Won fuck all
1990 Won fuck all
1994 Won fuck all
1998 Won fuck all

Scotland Have A Son in Brazil

A news story broke in February 1998 about a mystery Tartan Army footsolider who is being sought. Apparently, the foot soldier went through Brazil on his way to Argentina sired a youngster who is now 18 and a footballing sensation in Sambaland. One source reported that he would pledge his international future to Scotland. All we need is for the father (George Brown from the Kirkcaldy area) to make himself known to the appropriate authorities and there could be Sambas at Hampden.

New Disease to Watch Out For

The World Health Organisation has officially recognised the following symptoms :-

1. Thinking all you have to do is beat a shite team to qualify for the 2nd round of the world cup (normally Iran/Peru/Costa Rica/Morocco)
2. Knowing that all the good team in the group has got to do is beat another shite team to help you qualify.
3. Celebrating before you start thinking all the results must go your way so you walk round pissed in a foreign country wearing a skirt and ginger wig.
4. Listening to soccer pundits say how great the fans were when it all goes horribly wrong.

As if you hadn't guessed, the disease is known as PREMATURE JOCK ELATION.

Very Bad Joke

a) Select fairly poor local team, struggling for promotion.
b) Insert into following paragraph as appropriate:
"The (-enter name of local newspaper of lowly local team-) reported today that should (-enter name of local team-) continue their good start to the season and get promoted they will be sponsored next year by Viagra. Apparently, this should ensure that when they go up they stay up."
c) Use randomly at the local pub and at work!

Famous Quotes ...

(1) "This is an unusual Scotland side because they have good players" ... solid praise indeed for the Under-21s from Javier Clemente, Spain's coach

(2) in the build up to the World Cup 1998, one fan came up with "BRASIL v SCOTLAND - Total football v Totalled football".

(3) in Bordeaux after the Norway match, a discussion on Scotlands performance of the day generated the following view on Darren Jackson after his rather lacklustre performance : "Darren Jackson, he has the arrogance without the skill'.

(4) "Two Andy Gorams, there's only two Andy Gorams" - Kilmarnock fans to the Rangers keeper after he had been diagnosed with mild schizophrenia

(5) Andy Gray was reported to have said on Sky Sports "I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area for goalies is between their legs...".

(6) "That's great, tell him he's Pele and get him back on." - John Lambie, Partick Thistle manager, when told a concussed striker did not know who he was.

(7) "One team in Tallinn, Theres only one team in tallinn!" - Scotland Supporters on the terraces of the kadriog stadium in Estonia when the Estonian team failed to appear and the match was kicked off with only with only the Scotland team and the officials on the pitch !

(8) Brian Moore : "In a word Kevin, will Batty score this penalty" Kevin Keegan : "Yes".

(9) A Norweigian supporter to a Tartan Army footsoldier in Bordeaux - "If your team was as good as your fans, you would be called Brazil.".

Quick Quiz ... Answers

The quick brain teaser earlier has the following solution :


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